If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
