about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
