im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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