This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
