I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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