I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
my liver is dry heaving
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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