if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
