I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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