i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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