I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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