zippers are such a cool invention
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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