my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
