She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
