then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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