I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
