How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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