i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
