He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
