Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
