There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
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why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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