I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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