Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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