This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
