Your face is a jimmy john
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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