why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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