My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I am spending my child support on dildos
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
