Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
