I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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