Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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