I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
