I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Randomize
