Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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