I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
