I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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