btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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