You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You may now shotgun with the bride
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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