I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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