I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
