i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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