you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
