Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
