just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
