My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
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I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
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Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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