Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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