You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
