but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
