Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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