i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
