the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
