The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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