Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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