so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
