Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
