it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
