If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
