I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
