when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
