youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
