You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
