i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
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truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
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You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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