I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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