ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
