Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
